Prettylyf

Believe

2011-10-20T19:51:00.000-07:00

You better believe we cry

we break

we hurt

we are torn

but tears become strength

the broken are mended

the torn are rebuilt

and you better believe

we get up

and the sun it shines again

and the sorrow it fades into the horizon with the rain

you best believe it

Phew

2011-10-20T19:50:00.001-07:00

For a second or two there I couldn't remember my password :( So glad I did because I think am up to blogging after going AWOL

Kicking death BUTT IN

2011-03-12T23:50:00.001-08:00

I cannot quite recall the first time I lost a patient. Lost meaning death. But what I do recall is the stench of death. You might not believe it but even death has a very distinct aura. I have lost many patients along my career path and yes it is sad but I have also somewhat adapted to it and thus it has almost become second nature. Yes I concur it is strange. And I do not expect you to comprehend this.

So imagine my surprise this past week when death immensely shook me and not only that but kept me up all night. So up I stayed and went to bed when daylight finally returned. I could not get the death of this one patient out of my head. I kept re-living it in my head. And each time I felt the hairs on my neck stand up and my stomach turned upside down.

The death bug struck me back to back on Tuesday and again on Wednesday. On Thursday surprisingly given my sleep-deprived state I was in the clear. Little did I know death would rear its ugly face once again as if in an attempt to make it my worst week yet like it hadn't already.

But come Friday I was ready for it. How you ask? when the paramedics transported my patient upon assessment I noticed he was already starting to mottle meaning he was actively dying. I stood by the wife of 65 years as she held his hand and whispered how she loved him in death. She left shortly after tightly grasping my hand and begging me to ensure he did not suffer. So when he started to struggle for air and hold his breath I stood by him and rubbed his head. Rubbing his head I gently sung (It is well) close to his ear. Peacefully he stopped struggling for air and stopped breathing as life escaped him. As his body grew cold I couldn't help thinking his wife's wish had come true, he had not suffered. I simultaneously glanced at my watch for the time of death as I called the wife to inform her of his passing.

So yes I kicked death's ass by being at peace as my patient headed to the after life. My neck hairs did not stand this time but I was overwhelmed and in an unfathomable haze of both confusion and clarity as I subconsciously marveled at how the line between life and death is not just thin but faint.

Working in an environment where death is constantly imminent has taught me that life is much more shorter than we perceive it to be. At the risk of sounding cliche it has taught me to not just live a little but really live life.

Gratitude

2011-01-16T19:28:00.000-08:00

I lift my hands

up high in praise

I thank YOU Lord

Emptiness

2010-11-18T23:57:00.000-08:00

I clutch my belly

bent over

distorted in anguish

pain is my name

my hut has burned down

my stream run dry

stones pelted at me

my soul is sorrowful

boils afflict my body

tears scorch my face

no shade on my back

darkness has overtaken me

I have nothing

Courage Is fear that has said its prayers

2010-10-05T14:52:00.000-07:00

Up
its quiet dark night
no peace of mind
hanging by a thread
spiraling down
stomach churns
mind boggles
tears sting
the sky is bare
but no moon
daylight peeks
yet no sunlight
scared
am I failing?

Untitled

2010-09-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

I hoped your departure
it would halt time
that the once green leaves
wouldn't turn gold so soon
that the recently clean streets
wouldn't be covered in snow
once innocent now
defiled by the winds
and chill
the kids playing the yards
now only a vague memory
fading quickly into the horizon
the bright colorful days
now threatened by looming dark clouds full of rain
I prayed that you would forget us
let us catch our breathe
move on to a different place
and away from us
but you returned
too soon
stealing from us again
leaving us where you first left us
robbed, scared and alone

My Neighbors From Hell

2010-08-06T04:42:00.001-07:00

You know that new show -Neighbors from Hell- ? well guess what? I'm living it! My neighbors are definitely out to get me and make my life as miserable as possible. You know the kind that make you not look forward to coming home from work even after one of those days? yea those. The kind that makes you gag a little in your mouth every time they walk by you because really how can they be so mean for absolutely no apparent reason. The kind that makes you want to move out and pay for a vacant apartment while living elsewhere. Because peace is of absolute importance to you.

What and where is home I ask? the place where the heart is? cliche but true. For most of us it is the place where our loved ones both family and friends are. While for some of us who are away from home it is that place that we turn into our little haven. The place where we escape to after a long 10hr shift of wearing the overpriced danskos that are supposed to give you back relief but really why are my heels and soles blistered and what is that ache that wasn't there yesterday. It's that peaceful place where you leave the world's troubles at the door and indulge yourself. It might be some soothing music, reading a book, a long shower, a bubble bath, a chilled glass of red at 9am because here in your little haven you make the rules. And who ever said we all don't have a lil French in us?

So when your little haven suddenly turns into a place you don't find peace and find yourself in. When it becomes a place where you can no longer lose yourself only to find yourself in time for the next shift. If that place becomes somewhere you don't look forward to going. If it makes you comb the streets for a spot instead of your assigned spot in the back. Then something is very wrong and it needs to be rectified with urgency.

And so that is why instead of coming home after a long shift at work and going to sleep I've been driving around looking for a new place and scheduling back to back viewings. I guess after living in one place for so long I forgot how finding a new place is a whole other job. I forgot how hard it is to find all the amenities you desire in one place. Like how a place can have a sauna, two year round heated pools and not have a dishwasher is beyond me or how it can have a dishwasher, patio, sauna, pool and not have a washer/dryer on site. Or how it can have everything I'm looking for and yet be a downstairs unit. Really how can I not feel like the universe has ganged up against me? I need to move by early September. Its taken everything in me this far to not use a few or very many choice words and tell 'em off. Its taking the little peace I have left after work. And I do not want to. I refuse to live here a day longer than I should. I want out. I want my peace. I want my quiet. I want to reclaim my safe, peaceful, quiet haven all over again because I deserve it.

So pray for me my dear readers. Pray for me to find a place soon and to start the moving process.

My Neighbors From Hell

2010-08-06T04:42:00.000-07:00

So pray for me my dear readers. Pray for me to find a place soon and to start the moving process.

Is Chivalry DEAD!?!

2010-05-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

Lately, I seem to have the unfortunate knack to run into men who're 'interested' in me. And by interested I mean we've never met, I don't know them, they don't know me, they've probably not even seen my face just my back and boom they like me. Woe is me. They say they want to take me out to dinner, for coffee, drinks and even to church. Really church? because I'm having doubts God would approve.

I want to ask all my female readers, has any of you ever had to tell the marriage fib to get out of a man pursuing you? marriage fib here meaning that you're single, and by single you could or could not be in a relationship but definitely not married. So there's this guy showing some interest and to shut him down and/or the only way to get out of it is saying you're married and even then your been married is not enough because men nowadays cannot take a no for a no and despite telling them you're married gets them more interested? I mean someone please tell what in the world is going on? One even had the nerve to tell me I didn't have a married woman's voice. Pardon my ignorance but how exactly do married women talk?

The other had the nerve to want to hang out with my significant other and I to prove the fact that I am indeed 'taken'? the other the nerve to offer me a warm can of natural light beer he pulled out of a black plastic bag. I mean really? what happened to men respecting the fact that a woman is taken and/or not interested and taking that as a hint to back off? have days evolved that much? are men not men enough to take no for an answer? does it have anything to do with those who have preceded us? might they have said no and meant yes thus giving men the idea that when we say no in reality we mean yes ? or is chivalry indeed dead?

I'd want to say it's not dead based on personal judgement e.g. the other day I'm cruising the parking lot where all spots were taken and this guy was loading up his car and had a few more trips to make between the car and his apartment. And when he noticed my futile attempts to find a spot he offered to move his car to a 20 minute spot and gave me his spot. I mean if that is not a perfect example of a gentlemen I don't know what is. A sign that chivalry just might not be dead. Not all the way, at least not for me. Yet I know such incidences are far and in between. Still better half a loaf than not?

Cancer Scare

2010-05-02T14:37:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update to let everyone know I had the lump checked out.

It has been a very scary time for my loved ones and me. I did gather some strength and went in with my best person. When we went for the first appointment the doctor who checked it literally freaked out and wrote me an ultrasound STAT order. Of course her freaking out freaked me out even more. So I immediately scheduled an appointment and went in. And the radiologist who read the results freaked out and broke HIPPA by letting me know on the phone that it "looked bad" and the oncology team was considering a mammogram. Unless, one has a history of breast cancer, mammograms are not recommended at 25.

The other thing is that whichever doctor I went to see, or/and radiologist kept asking my age and shaking their head in utter disbelief at how and why this could be happening at my age. One doctor informed me cases such as mine didn't occur often. However, she had diagnosed a 25y.o. with breast cancer before. This only made me more miserable and very scared for my life.

The ultrasound results came back indicating not one lump, but two. Uhm excuse me? And not just a mere lump but one they called a complicated cyst and the other a complex mass. And sans to say my life came to a sudden halt, I didn't eat, I couldn't construct a sentence without choking up. Mentally, I started to 'put things in order' just in case this was it. Not much to put in order though for the lack of an estate at the mere age of 25, but hey if shoes could actually make up an estate then I just might have had quite a bit to do :)

The surprising thing? I did not once think "why me?" (well, not literally) instead I thought why not me, why someone else. I told myself, if my going through this meant saving someone else from going through it then let it be. But then I thought hey I was just 25 and barely starting to live life, that condo I wanted, those Manolo Blahniks, and that dress, omg that dress and the vacay c'mmon really God at 25? couldn't God have waited. Then, I started to question. How did God decide who go it and who didn't and what he went off of? did it matter what you had already gone through in life? in terms of struggles or/and even accomplishments? because if He had first checked with me (lol) then I think I've been through quite a bit, struggle wise, which should be enough for a lifetime and I'm just starting to meet my goals in life accomplishment-wise so shouldn't I at least stick around and enjoy the labor of my hard work?. I felt anything and everything there was to feel. Literally, went through the emotional rollercoaster, fyi it's very bumpy, don't try it :)

Going by the ultrasound results, the doctor explained, to make an official diagnosis I needed to undergo a core biopsy with a needle guided biopsy. So my best person and I got to it, we scheduled it and went in, holding our breathes, praying and hoping for the best. We go in and the technologist says my best person cannot come to the procedure room and my heart stops. How can he not? I couldn't possibly do this alone. Even if I couldn't see his face, I wanted to know he was in the room with me and I'd feel his presence. I waited for the doctor and asked his 'permission' and he said yes and sent the technologist to get him :) and I immediately relaxed. I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe it was going to be ok and so I needed one of the people in my life who did to be there and believe for me.

The doctor went in and started with the needle guided aspiration on the complicated cyst. I was positioned in a way that I could look at the screen and see the cyst and mass and watch as the needle went in. So I watch as the doc pokes the complicated cyst and it disappears. Oh glory. Sigh. And then he said before he could perform the core biopsy he needed to poke the mass to ensure it also wasn't a cyst. And what do you know he poked it and it disappeared too.

What do you know? both lesions were cysts. I've a big ol' ugly scar on my right tata but that's nothing to pay or even compare to the monster diagnosis. So yes I took my aspiration scar that sometimes hurts as hell and ran for dear life. It was a sign for me to start anew in life, to live right, to love without holding back, to kiss with my eyes closed, to feng shui anything that was holding me back in my life, to try harder and a little more everyday. I'm trying :)

Thank you, dear readers, for wishing me well. Thinking me happy thoughts, and 'holding' my hand through it all.

Last BUT not in way LEAST, please, my female readers do your monthly SBE and to my male readers encourage your loveds one to do them. Early detection saves lives!!!

Cancer

2010-03-21T01:26:00.000-07:00

I was 12 years old when my grandma died of lymphoma cancer. I remember what great a woman she was. In the years preceding her death I remember how she had gone from the strong woman she had once been physically and mentally to a woman who was in and out of the hospital and clinics for chemo and follow ups. I remember all the pills she took. I remember how the doctors had tried different treatments, how the family had converged to agree upon what path to take after one treatment after the other failed. I remember my grandma telling us we were not to cry once she was no more. I remember her hair falling off. I remember the way she keep the food down an emesis basin always by her bed because of how often she threw up.

I remember it all like it was yesterday because its what lead me into the healthcare field. I had a burning passion to learn more about what was wrong with her, how I could help, how to say the right things (therapeutically), what to do and when to do it. I remember wanting to make my grandma feel ok, wanting to take it all away. Vowing oncology would be my specialty. Taking an interest in it during my rotations. I remember how my heart has broken with every oncology patient who has been under my care.

Yesterday I found a lump on my right breast it was the last thing I expected. Why me? why not me? I've not been the same since. I worry. I zone out. I'm here and not here. Tears keep flooding my eyes. Do I want to know? should I be worried this much? will it really end up been the monster or just a false alarm?

Emotions are boiling in me. Spilling out of me. I cannot put into words my worry. I cannot sleep. I cannot tell my family because they will worry too much and what if it turns out to be nothing. But what if it turns out to be something?

I'm taking this opportunity to encourage all of your my dear readers to perform your monthly SBE (Self Breast Exam)

It is going to be well because we are HELD

2010-02-22T21:38:00.000-08:00

Because I couldn't possibly share with you my sorrow of losing yet another loved one. Lately all I write about here is death. And today I have no strength to even consider writing a poem. But I did read the history behind the song- It is well- about the man Horatio Spafford and how he first lost his only son and then in an effort to get his four daughters away from the grief and sorrow he put them on a boat to England only to lose them. I cannot imagine his sorrow or even compare it to what my family and I are feeling because we all grieve differently. And then there is Natalie Grant's song -Held- in which she sings about her friend who loses two loved ones in a span of 48hrs. Stop and think of it. How sorrowful it must have been and I bet still is. How the world must have span out of control for her friend.

As a healthcare professional I am well aware of the five stages of grieving. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. When you lose a loved one you wonder if its ever going to get better, wonder how life could possibly go on without them, and you are angry at the world and life and even people for going on unscathed like nothing happened. And this is what causes as to linger in one grieving stage than the other or all together skip denial, anger and bargaining and just shoot straight for depression. They say time heals wounds but only to a certain extent. For example in my family's case we were just starting to 'heal' by coming into terms with all our losses in the past year. And then boom time has found a way to wound us over.

It is hard to even try to conceive the very idea that it is well or could be well in the end. The sacred has been torn from us over and over. But believe us we might not we are still HELD. It is very hard to believe that right now believe me but I believe in God and despite feeling forgotten I know He remembers us. I don't even believe that right now yet I do. Confusing huh? I know but that's how I feel right now. I just want God to remember us and make it stop. All these deaths, all these funerals...exceedingly exhausting and overwhelming physically, mentally, socially and in so many other ways on so many different levels.

2010

2010-02-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

Not much to write home about. But I'd like to;

Untie my tennies laces instead of kicking 'em off because when I have to got running the next day I still have to do it. Which by the way at that point is double work because at said point I not only have to untie I have to tie too. Silly but true
Cook more & eat out less
Eat out at those little on the street very cozy and intimate restaurants and cafes more w great company
Not take a rain check on dessert
Do all the little things that make me happy e.g. paint cellphone green (hi little (: ) and a cuppa green tea at 1am that will keep me awake for the rest of the night
Deliriously read all my glamour issues cover to cover
Make the bed when I wake up in the morning instead of trying to make it right before bed when half asleep
Crawl into bed earlier
Make it ok to put the one song I love on heavy rotation all day long
Dance around naked in my apartment
Sing out loud in the shower regardless of how tuneless I might be (and always are)
Run in the rain
Go hiking more often
Live a little more with each new day
Make the present count the most
Make more diary/journal entries for when dementia kicks in LOL
Strive to go to church every Sunday
Drink more water
Live for God in most areas of my life as is humanly possible
Kiss with my eyes closed (I always do. Oops did I just kiss and tell?)
Read more of my favorite blogs
Rita thank you for the music paper in March. If I never said it here it is now very 'fashionably' late but still here. Thank you, thank you, thank you
Pandave dear those adorable comments you leave are what makes me want to come back and do more entries. You're far too kind :)
Sit on the steps w Rita and talk about all the random things our little minds can possibly conceive (which would seriously surprise you much)
Read a good book. People its been eons since I did. Please make suggestions.
Read the WHOLE bible in a year or less :)
Find a way to be happy as I do my laundry. But even better would be if I could 'curse' less under my breath as I fold and put them away.
Pick out outfits independent of whether or not they need ironing. Ironing has always been the biggest determining factor
And the list is endless so I'll be back when I remember the rest
In the meantime pray with me Haiti heals
I hope y'all having a happy new year so far and all the very best in everything and in all areas of your life

My 2009

2009-12-24T17:33:00.000-08:00

Oy! Idk where to start. This has been quite the year. As I write this the 70's show is on. I just stepped out of the shower after nursing a bad migraine all day. Now as I sip on my first drink to kick off this not so merry season it's not as chilly a blessing I'm grateful for today.

I vividly remember this time last year. I was at church for the Christmas service w a friend. On the actual Christmas day I had gone to the theater and watched Will Smith's Seven Pounds en route to a Christmas dinner w a friend's family before work that night. On New's year eve I was out of town w friends enjoying a few strawberry confusions. Now that I think about it I could really use a strawberry confusion nevermind the rum lol really anyone up for dinner at BJ's?

If there's something I've learned this year is to live life to the fullest. Cliche right? still that has been a lesson that has been reinforced over and over to the point of me yelling "I get it!!!" at the top of my lungs from too many tragedies this year :( I've gotten on my knees and prayed. I've prayed that yes I'll live today as if it were my last day (and yeah failed immensely), I'll love them more, forgive before sunset aka hold no grudges, I'll call everyone often, say I love them at the beginning of each conversation but not in a rushed way at the end, I'll hold my hand over my loved ones' mouth and say they do not need to repeat it but really I do love them and remind them how much they mean to me, I'll pray more, read my bible more, dance more, live a little more, kiss with my eyes closed, hold hands under the covers, not go to bed angry. And so I've done at least tried my best. Until that call or/and message has come and thrown me off over and over again, trusted less, the sacred has been torn from me/us and yet the world has gone on like my loved ones never lived nor existed expect to us. No fair! I digress.

Still there have been a lot more blessings like him and how he will comb the streets to find me a malt and not just the good ol' plain shake. My beloved family and friends. The perfect song for every moment, hours and hours of phone calls w my very extraordinarily loving mom, the great relationship I have w my mom, my siblings and how awesome and amazing they are, my paps because he knows to say the right thing each time we talk, a chilled glass of red, answered prayers, endless sex & the city seasons and episodes, my 2nd boyfriend tivo (oh how I love him), shoes, boots and scarfs, a shaken not stirred drink, cheerful text messages, calls that have lifted me up and loving messages, tights and long tees, my couch which I sleep on more than my bed, a walk in closet, long and passionate kisses, hugs, hugs, hugs, old-fashioned letters in the mail (ha!) a bowl of oatmeal w lemon (m'm! m'm! m'm!), readers like you, clean crisp bedsheets, good books, long walks w my Shi on the phone, great, never ending, sometimes very random conversations that have kept us up almost and even all night w my Shi, graduation and a blissful month w the folks during the summer, my zune, oh my zune how I love you lol, stupid moments, the amazing GodChicks daily steps devotional *ty to MoMo*, ahhhh facials w MoMo, great reads (posts) on your blogs, perfect fitting bras, and I could go on and on and on and never stop so please you must allow me to stop here and go no further.

Yet I'm ready for 2009 to end hoping it takes with it this year's tragedies and brings some brand new blessings upon us and ready to see 2010 turn things green again for my family and I and you too!!!

I dare not forget our fallen beloved loved ones. I'm certain w/o a doubt this Christmas you're ALL in a much much more merrier place kicking it w the angels and your souls are resting in unfathomable peace.

RIP Aunt Catherine

RIP Grandma Alice

RIP Uncle John

RIP Uncle Joe

RIP Grandma Rachel

RIP Uncle Ben

RIP Uncle Joel

RIP Cousin Ben

This is for our fallen 'soldiers' we miss you although you gone we with you...gone 'from battle field' life is so fcuking real. We don't want more funerals...don't want more burials

Feliz Navidad Prospero Ano y Felicidad :)

I wish you and yours a Merry Christmas & an exceedingly prosperous New Year!!!

Nipped in the bud

2009-12-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

he left us too young

twenty days ago today

a young man so full of life

they said he lived a legacy

the poll bearers his young friends

they lifted him up in the air

said they had lost a hero

a hero he was on earth

and on his last journey on earth

he'd be so up up up they carried him

I believe they even said his swagga was UP

and that his passing was a loss to them

and the community

nipped in the bud

here today

and gone not tomorrow but today

the sacred torn from us

shattered

broken

we felt unheld

yet we knew still we were held

gone just like that

such a young soul

full of life

so promising

they came in hundreds and hundreds

gave him the best send off

bid him farewell

hopeful to meet him across the shore

Easy like a Sunday morning

2009-12-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

I slowly rolled

my right foot steadily on the brake

behind another

as we all lined up

all under the same sentence

a red light

headed to different places

not a clue where any of us

was coming from or was headed

for all we knew we could have been headed the place

but how could we?

all sheltered behind our windows

and doors

some windows up to keep out the chill

others down to enjoy the fresh morning air

and Sunday quiet

so nonchalant about each other's existence

still under the same sentence the red light

finally turned green

we rushed to our different destinations

some a bit hurried than others

probably not sure what the day held for us

some with plans

that would fall through

and others not

isn't such life?

such is life

c'est la vie

Oh Misery

2009-10-08T19:52:00.000-07:00

oh me woman of little little faith

when did i start to falter

when did i start to believe less in myself

when did i stop hoping

and trusting

and having that convinced beyond a doubt feeling

when did i stop been that woman

who holds her head up high

as she shovels sand against the tides

when oh when did i allow myself

to wallow in doubt

and, oh! i've been down this road before

where my faith

it turned into disbelief

and now as doubt sneaks up on me

i refuse to get caught again

the wait

2009-08-24T20:47:00.001-07:00

it's killing me this waiting
i turn and toss
the thoughts torture me
day after day
can i know already
can it linger any longer
yes i'm consoled that though it linger
it shall come to pass
still i wonder
still i rack my brains
yet i dare not doubt
i trust
i hope
i believe
my faith is set in Him
so despite the wait
i'm already a victor
i've made it

written in stone

2009-08-15T18:34:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to the place I started
seeking thee
needing thee
wanting thee
expecting thee
discerning thee
crying for you
words written
so whoever sees it may run with it
though it has lingered
i trust
i hope
i pray
i doubt not
it's coming to pass
this desire
this passion
this prayer
not my will but thine

Getting to Know Me

2009-07-29T21:52:00.000-07:00

Getting To Know You

Copy all questions, write responses, and tag yourselves, blogger pals.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
-0700

2. How do you like your steak?
-medium rare (thanks to Jimmy)

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
-the Hangover-hilarious and craazzzzzzzzzzy movie

4. What is your favorite TV show?
- army wives

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
-Greece

6. What did you have for breakfast?
-two cups of green tea

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
-Thai

8. What foods do you dislike?
-anything mushy (and not mashed potatoes those are MASHY)

9. Favorite Place to Eat?
-anywhere with calamari as an appetizer and a great "atmosphere"

10. Favorite dressing?
-balsamic vinaigrette

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
-i'm driven

12. What are your favorite clothes?
- all things comfy, tights and a long tee, jeans w/cute tee

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
-depending on what's in the cup but mostly 1/2 full

15. Where would you want to retire?
-Kenya

16. Favorite time of day?
-sunset/evening but i love the sunrise if I'm out there working out (read: never)

17. Where were you born?
-KE

18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
-rugby and soccer is beginning to rub on from my trillion guy friends

19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
-idk

20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
-idk

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
-all of y'all blogger pals

22. Bird watcher?
-if they're about to poop on me

23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
-actually both an early bird and a night owl

24. Do you have any pets?
-Used to a yorkie, Milo miss you my handsome boy

25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share?
-I love God a little more today than I did yesterday

26. What did you want to be when you were little?
-I always wanted to be a tout. I thought they were cool peoples. You know from the way they dressed to the whistles and language. I. w.as so.ld. Talk of a dreamless kid right!? a few years down the line my grandma (RIP) was diagnosed with Cancer and I knew with all that I was I was cut out to be in the medical field with a specialty in oncology and now I love love what I do

27. What is your best childhood memory?
-Going to the horse races with paps. We never lost a bet. HA!

28. Are you a cat or dog person?
-I'm allergic to cats thanks to my sinuses and therefore see #24

29. Are you married?
-nay but some guy proposed last night haha

30. Always wear your seat belt?
-the other night my uncle and I are driving home and we are like literally a minute away from the house and it must have been like 3am and he's sitting beside me and suddenly I can feel him in the dark fumbling for the seat belt and a second later I hear the click sound signifying he was buckled up. And I go like whatchu doing willis!? and he tells me to always buckle up despite how close I am to getting where I am going. And I look at him not queit seeing him in the dark and think "whatchu talkin' 'bout Willis?!" LOL but seriously now I buckle up all the time infact I used to drive this car that wouldn't start before all the seat belts clicked LOL whatevs. Seriously, y'all click it or ticket

31. Been in a car accident?
-yes

32. Any pet peeves?
-dishonesty, uncleanliness

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings?
-sausage

34. Favorite Flower?
- white roses

35. Favorite ice cream?
-half vanilla, half coffee mixed with crushed almonds...mmm little piece of heaven

36. Favorite fast food restaurant?
-In & Out bebe!!!

37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
-Zero

38. From whom did you get your last email?
-My uncle from #30 and it's a shame I've not yet replied

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
-Steve Madden. Shoes and purses bebe!!!

40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
-I partied on Friday from 1900hrs to Saturday 0530hrs and at 0630hrs I was hiking the highest point of the city of San Diego. Cowles Mountains 1592 feet. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

41. Like your job?
-I love my job

42. Broccoli?
-yes if I pre-Beano or post-gas x (gas on your mind?!)

43. What was your favorite vacation?
-Los Angeles w the folks

44. Last person(s) you went out to dinner with?
-J & M

45. What are you listening to right now?
-Wash Away by Joe Purdy

46. What is your favorite color?
-black (but my family and friends have convinced me to start shopping and wearing more colors) what can I say in my defense I'm a newyorkian at heart

47. How many tattoos do you have?
-One, left shoulder blade

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz?
- please tag yourselves, blogger pals (-:

49. What time did you finish this quiz?
-2143hrs

50. Coffee Drinker?
-nay. green tea guzzler

Life & Death

2009-07-24T03:05:00.000-07:00

it's the glasses that sit on the floor
how we convert a decent contemporary living room
in to a camp
things lying around on the floor
empty glasses
a shoe here
a sandal there
a comforter here
a halfway full bottle of water under the table
movies strewn on the carpet
c'est la vie
this is life
like squeaky plates set on the table for dinner
so clean, pretty and bubbling with life
until food is eaten off of them
then they aren't so clean anymore
and now a pile of dirty dishes spills out of the sink
so lifeless
so used
so trampled upon
slowly life sipping out of it
and death quickly replacing it

p.s, I just found out I lost another nursing school classmate. My heart is broken but how can it be broken while it has been broken all along. Last month it was my good classmate and the month before a close family member and somewhere in between all that my good good friend lost her sister. And I'm overwhelmed and at a loss for words.

The joke's on me

2009-07-08T19:14:00.000-07:00

this is all too familiar
the deserted pavements
a few people here and there rushing
out of life
late for a coffee date
or to pick up a kid
better still done for the day
the buildings stand tall
as if in eager anticipation
of the return of them all
them who crowd the place
I enter the building
it too not bursting at its seams
only a few people here and there
a few like me
back ups sitting on the floor
pages turning
highlighters coloring the tables
so quiet
I'm distracted by the guy tapping his foot
on the carpeted floor
oh my heart aches at the nostalgia of it all
my soul longs to see the end of it one day

The angel of death attacks me again

2009-06-06T02:39:00.000-07:00

All I seem to write about here lately is death. The spirit of death has loomed over me this year.

Tonight I just found out my good friend from nursing school died in a car accident. She was only 24. Just 24. I mean when did we start going so young? my heart is broken. It was not even about healed from the family tragedy we suffered in March and now this?

In my mind I keep seeing her in class. In class she sat on the right side of the very front row. I sat in the back so I had a pretty good view of her. And now in my mind that's all I see. Her bent over the books trying to find a certain chapter, quickly scribbling notes as the prof blabber mastered on, her fishing for a highlighter in her back pack to highlight the chapters that would be tested on the next exam, her hand up either to answer questions or ask some.

I see her sitting right there next to my other good friend and my heart breaks over and over again. I cannot wrap my head around why her and why so young and why after going through the grueling nursing school? I almost want to say what a waste but then again what will her family and friends say? how they must feel I cannot imagine.

Pray for Kara to rest in peace and for her family and friends to find hope and strength to carry on.

You Only Live Once Make Sure It's Enough

Happy Birthday

2009-05-16T01:34:00.000-07:00

Today you'd have been 38. I look at the pictures and think they gotta be kidding me. I know you're gone but it's so hard to accept it. I keep expecting that random call or text. I keep expecting you to walk in. Looking at pictures is the hardest because it was just the other day and you were so full of life. I look at those pictures and think no he can't be gone but I know you're gone because it's been a while since we've talked or seen each other. Dos Equis not only urges us to stay thirsty but also to live life to the fullest and I'm convinced beyond doubt they did that new commercial for you. And yes I know for a fact they must have it on tap there for the special angel you're.

Today, for the first time in 5 years we went out and bought our own drinks. We dressed up, got in the car and went out. How strange was it for you not to be there? you the person who always ordered our drinks and made sure in our staying thirsty we didn't stay thirsty? how odd was it for us to dance and not have you hovering over us ensuring we were having a good time? but we did because we know it's what you'd have wanted us to do. It's what you want us to do from up there, live life to the fullest because if there's one thing we're forced to learn from your unexpected demise is that life is fleeting and oh no we don't call the shots on this one.

RIP. We're staying thirsty for you, remembering you, loving you, missing you, thinking of you and trying to fit the shoes you've left behind for us to walk in despite the difficulty of living up to your standards and the person you were because indeed you were one of a kind and cannot and NEVER will be replaced.

Today, we love you in death as much as we loved you in life.

Celebrating You

2009-04-24T10:57:00.000-07:00

It's one month today since you've been gone. We celebrate a life well lived and accomplished. A life well lived is well worth recording. A life full of laughter, joy and reaching out to others.

You were a star and still each day you shine down on us from heaven.

Shine on!!!

Artist: Robbie Robertson Lyrics
Song: Shine Your Light Lyrics

The cry of the city like a siren's song
Wailing over the rooftops the whole night long
Saw a shooting star like a diamond in the sky
Must be someone's soul passing by

These are the streets
Where we used to run where your Papa's from
These are the days
Where you become what you become
These are the streets
Where the story's told
The truth unfolds
Darkness settles in

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength
To carry on, carry on

Don't wanna be a hero
Just an everyday man
Trying to do the job the very best he can
But now it's like living on borrowed time
Out on the rim, over the line
Always tempting fate like a game of chance
Never wanna stick around to the very last dance
Sometimes i stumble and take a hard fall
Loose(?) hold your grip off the wall

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
Carry on

I thought i saw him walking by the side of the road
Maybe trying to find his way home

He's here but not here
He's gone but not gone
Just hope he knows if I get lost

Shine your light down on me
Lift me up so i can see
Shine your light when you're gone
Give me the strength to carry on
To carry on

Our Dear

2009-04-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we were together
you hugged us and kissed us
yesterday we saw you lying there motionless
this time you didn't reciprocate the touch
we put you in the ground
for the first time we left you behind
yesterday you didn't come along with us
you had to stay
and we were so sad about it
we stood around you and wept
still we felt you touch us to console us
still we had your laugh as we read your beautiful tributes
you sneaky punk
still you shone on us
still you were amongst us in your own way
today I saw you
you were the sun rays that penetrated my blinds
awakening me to a beautiful day
today I felt you
you were the strong waves that beat at my legs
as my feet sank in the sand at the beach
today I saw you
you were the ladybirds that crawled up my arms
tickling me as I lay on the grass to dry up
today I saw you
you were the sand speckles that shone
so bright even through my sunshades
today we heard you
you were the voice of reason
that wanted us to stop holing up in the house
today we heard you
you were the strong laugh
that put a smile on each of our faces
today we heard you
you were the voice that wants us to go on
as you light up our ways
today we heard you
your promise that we'll still walk the same line
despite your sudden demise
we will see you every single day
because she is you and you her
today we miss you
and love you in death
as much as we did in life

Why you?

2009-03-27T09:17:00.000-07:00

I keep forgetting why we're gathered here? Why we are on international calls day and night? why we must fight to pick a wooden casket over a cast iron one? why my head has hurt since Tuesday? and why I can't seem to get off my feet? and why when I go to bed and close my eyes I see you and can't fall asleep? why there are tears in my eyes constantly? why I've missed class and work all week? why strangers have been calling with their sympathies? why we had to go out and buy the condolences book on Tuesday night? why we keep going shopping everyday and each morning we wake up we are out of food and have to start over? why she sits by me and says she wants to die to? why all these people are here? why I keep seeing you standing at the edge of my bed, in a corner in a room yet really can't join in? why you will NEVER walk in through that door again? why your car is parked up front and yet you're not home? why God had to choose you? why someone else drove the car you drove to work the previous night home that day? why we'll NEVER see you again? why? why? why? why? why

RIP Ben

2009-03-25T03:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Ben,

You were a big brother to me
You watched out for me and
loved me always and took care of me and all of us really
And today when I received that phone call my heart dropped and sunk,
deeper that I thought possible,
my stomach knotted up as I gagged in my mouth,
repressing screams
and my head throbbed in the pain
as I tried to wrap my mind around it all
and comprehend it
And I dropped in the grass in sobs
because I could not believe you were gone
And as I get in to bed tonight
my heart aches and
tears I stopped all day now flow in torrents
I'll celebrate you in my crying because
it's the only way I know how
I hope and pray you're resting in eternal peace
and already watching down on us and wishing us well
Shine, like the star your were here on earth,
shine on us our dear Ben from up in heaven, shine

Listening to-Shine Your Light

Dreams

2009-03-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

i will crawl under those covers
lay my head on the pillow
listen to my heart's beat slow down
hear my blood smoothly swish along
feel my thoughts drift away
pushed away and overtaken
by my dreams
and so
i'll let myself dream
let myself dream of places revisited
love found
lessons learned
tears cried and wiped
friends made
paths trod
walks taken
plans made
love lost
crossroads
i'll let myself dream
then I'll awake
arising to find my dreams
and embrace them

Memories of us

2009-03-11T11:45:00.000-07:00

Are you lonesome today?
Do you miss me today?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray
To that cold winter's morning
When we kissed?
And became one?

homage to the woman I am

2009-02-19T16:36:00.000-08:00

this woman is who she is
with all the confidence in the world
to prance around like she belongs
she won't be condemned by the society
or belittled by man's opinion
she will not save face to get by
this woman will not be put down
she does what she pleases
this woman is who she is
this woman is a woman who fears God
she has been called naive
she has been called ballsy
yet she will not apologize for her boldness
or for who she is
this woman is who she is
she has been known to have her way
and change everyone's mind
soaring to greater heights
this woman is who she is
a woman of her own

brokeness to beauty

2009-02-01T18:32:00.000-08:00

i grabbed my bags
unsure where this road led
the falls, would they come?
the triumphs, would they last?
still i fastened the scarf
quickened my step
vigilantly following the light
some days it flickered
others it blinded me
some it went out altogether
leaving me fumbling around for my way
stumbling to the wrong path
then it shone so bright i had to start over
tightened my scarf, fastened my step
deep breath
dusk, lost
dawn, found
oh the joy!

Black? Morbid? Noooooooo!!!

2009-01-22T14:52:00.000-08:00

I'll be attending a wedding on Saturday. Yes all my friends have decided to walk the talk and walk down the aisle. This been my umpteenth wedding since March, 2008.

I could pull a number from the back of the closet. Alright, I have already pulled out a number from the back of the closet. But it's black. My closet is almost entirely black. I'm not morbid it's just that I think black rocks and so am all about black.

However, this week I've been googling guest wedding dresses and black to a wedding sounds morbid? and it's all about lavender, yellow and the other light colors. And now am frightened. I absolutely do not want to be frowned upon for wearing black to someone's wedding. But am sure as hell not going out and buying a dress in a different color. I spent a half day yesterday trying the yellows and lavenders..er..umh not my cup of tea. ACK!! I don't hate weddings but the deciding what to wear is stealing the little sanity i have left and am trying so hard to hold on to.

So what am I trying to say? because some of you might suggest I get one in a different color but as stated above I won't be doing that. Secondly, some of you might say what the heck pull the black number on them, which is what I plan to do. Yeah I am not trying to say anything. I'm just blabbering.

I've been so busy lately I've not had time for me. I've not had a bath in a long, long time and I don't have my cup of green tea to enjoy it anymore but to actually stop me from going delirious. I need away. I need to stop and take a breather. I need to leave all this madness behind. I need a day in bed to catch up on sleep. But assignments and work and just life to put it mildly have all had a way to get in the way of that.

Attending all these weddings is starting to make me feel like am living 27 dresses. Not in the good way but in a nightmarish kinda way. Oh my friends are just getting married left, right and center and the only thing keeping them from getting married soon enough is that dates are already booked. Probably by other friends of mine which could mean another wedding for me to attend LOL I kid. Or may be not :) Which reminds me I need to go watch Bride Wars because I am 'living it'

This wedding is going to be my get away. I'm going to check into my room early enough and read a book and relax. I've not had a day off for a long, long time. This weekend am off four days in a row. Which is a piece of heaven. So I look forward to it and will not let the not having the 'right' dress (if there is such a thing. which I know some of you will argue there is) get in the way.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Oye!

Crashing Waves and Giants

2009-01-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, things happen in our lives that are too overwhelming. We face crashing waves and giants. And as we stand and face the realm of the unknown, the situation steals our hope, faith and trust. And we forget. Our recollection fails us. And we begin to live in the moment of doubt, mistrust and hopelessness. Slowly everything we have believed in and held onto slips away.

But just like every storm the situations we might be in are followed by a calm and quiet. And in that calm and quiet is when our sanity returns to us. I pause and take it all in and wonder what happened to me? when I stopped believing, trusting and hoping? and it all comes back to me. I never did. I was just overwhelmed by the situation to the point of succumbing to doubt and lack of faith and hope. I want to snap out of it. I want to hope, trust and have faith in God at all times. If I lose all else I want to keep holding on to that. I want to not be afraid of facing tomorrow. I want to have enough brevity and courage to help me step out of my safety net and comfort zone and tackle the giants in my life. I want to always remember am in better hands (God's) even when I run out of faith or hope.

This morning I realized how easy it is to just focus on the bad and negative and forget the good and positive that once abound. I do not want to forget because holding onto the positive even if it's in the past helps me have faith and hope for a better tomorrow. I don't want to give in at that moment of weakness. In our trials and temptations, which are the situations we find ourselves in on a daily basis, God's strength manifests itself.

So I guess what I am trying to say is remember to count your blessings at your weakest moment (and at all times of course) and see what a huge difference it makes!!! Do not let one negative situation or moment ruin and steal all the joy you have ever experienced and blessings in your life. Every storm passes. Instead turn the ashes in to beauty and let it be like the sun shining in spite of the falling rain and thunder.

Count you blessings. Name them one by one. And it will surprise you what the Lord can do, has done, is doing and will do.

have I hang my head for too long
did i only look at the negative
have i not counted my blessings
did i forget to remember where He has brought me from
have i been ungrateful
was i feisty in my demands
have my requests been self-centered
have i not taken out the time to look back
did i only live in the present
have i only looked and seen the bad
have i forgotten
well then today my recollection has returned
today I have remembered to count only my blessings
today i look and see only the positive
today i pray not for me but you
today am grateful for what I have and have had
today i give thanks for everything He has done
done, is doing and will do.

Doubt

2009-01-08T14:15:00.000-08:00

the lights blurred
as I walked
tears streamed my face
i was falling apart
i look out the window
look out to a happy world
behind the window a girl
so lost
in profound misery
I doubt
I doubt so much
it seeps from me into the ground
the thirsty dry ground takes it in
one minute here the next gone
like it never existed only I know it did
i doubt
i douth so much
prisoner to self
hands tightly cling to the bars
standing on tiptoes
take a peek
its all chaos still
shattered
i doubt
I doubt so much
it escapes me
permeating the air
i watch it blend in
as if it never were apart of me
and i feel empty
i doubt
i doubt so much
a girl
scared of the crashing waves
and giants
i doubt
i doubt
i doubt so much

Un Prospero Ano Nuevo 2009

2008-12-31T19:26:00.000-08:00

The title translates from spanish to english as "Have a prosperous new year 2009" which is what am wishing all of you

I'm not one to do a post. Period. Let alone an end year one. But again just like the post below one today seems uncharacteristically apropos. This is not a new year's resolution post. I don't do those LOL

08 was a great year for me. Depending on how you look at it.

I hadn't planned on typing up this. But as I do a couple of my guy friends are sprawled on couches playing some PS games and sipping on some heineken. In a few hours we will all suit up and hit some new year's eve party at Hollywood. Red carpet too I might add. Hey, I can brag it's my blog. LOL jk. But seriously I don't get to do posts that often. Not because I can't but because I can't write. Period. My sentence construction sucks. I digress.

I'd like to sit here and complain how bad a year 08 was. But guess what?! I won't because it wasn't. I made it to the last day of the year. And as I sit here am overwhelmed with gratitude by how much God has done for me and how gracious, awesome, loving and merciful He has been. He has protected me and provided for me, la familia and friends.

I've had my downs alright. Hit the bottom and thought that was going to be it. But no it hasn't because right around each corner a light has shone so bright it has thrown me off. Then I've recollected, regrouped and counted my blessings from God. So above all else am grateful to God with all my soul, mind and heart for all He has done. And trust me I can't even come close to saying it all.

Secondly, my moms and siblings. Thank you for been the awesomest family. I love you with all of me and would not trade you for the world.

Thirdly, the bff, you know yourself. Those nights and days. The vacay. Here's to more to come.

My friends Sandra & fam and Suze and la familia. Rita for been such a great friend. Y'all rock and then some. I'd like to name each last one of the angels and friends God has put in my life. But I can't. But you known what the great thing is? God knows each one of you by name. So I'm sending a special prayer up for you tonight for a thousand fold blessings to befall you in the year to come in a few hours or already here depending on your time zone. I love you all.

Thank you so much, God

Christmas at Grams

2008-12-19T17:17:00.000-08:00

I'm back to working the night shift and I love it.

This morning I sat in the lounge sipping on a cup of green tea awaiting the am shift to come and take over. Somehow I managed to sit myself right in front of the calendar which in all its glory and magnificence paraded the month of December for me to spectate on. I wasn't a happy spectator to say the least because it had not only been one of those nights at work but also because Christmas ceased to be my best time of the year a while back.

But as I sat there as if to spite me Christmas memories haunted me. And as much as am not one to do a Christmas post. This time one seems uncharacteristically apropos.

Growing up as a kid Christmas was big. I vacillate between the reasons why Christmas was so infamous back then. Besides Jesus been the reason for the season, of course. Not to mention the two new outfits. One for Christmas day and the other for Boxing day (12/26) But also that whatever my siblings and I had wanted and could not get throughout the year now suddenly seemed so easy to coax out of the folks. Now that it was Christmas.

I remember us bringing out the tree from the storage and putting it up along with all the other Christmas decor. As soon as the tree was up and running so was the Christmas music whose crooning filled up every corner of the house and the warmth that escaped the oven from all the baking that went on in the kitchen. It was all merry, good cheer, laughter, giggles and fuzziness. The house phone also seemed to ring off the hook from everyone calling to convey their season greetings. Cards wishing us a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year arrived in the mail from family and friends. During the Christmas season we were also allowed to play outside a while longer than other days.

The week before Christmas my siblings and I would be glued in front of the TV eagerly awaiting the weather forecast session that usually followed after the day's News. So anxious were we to find out if it'd rain on the sacred day or would the gods of nature grace us with sunshine.

We'd leave the city country-bound for Grams house on the eve of Christmas. Grams house was the place to be over Christmas you see. After all, all the cousins would be there and the aunts and uncles as well. Grams had the Christmas feast planned and the festivities would be underway the minute we pulled in. Plenty to eat and drink and a lot of games to play with the cousins made it that much better.

But nothing lasts forever and so our childhood didn't because at some point we grew up. And life got in the way of everyone been available to converge together at Grams on Christmas day. All of a sudden other plans seemed more important and going to Grams took the back seat. Surely, she and grandpa would understand. After all we had been going nonstop and back to back all those years. We'd make a point to go the next year or as soon as things were less hectic we promised. Like that was ever going to happen. As if it wasn't enough to break the Christmas tradition, Grams passed away early this year. I'm certain Christmas will not be the same with her gone. Not like I saw her in the last couple of years but because despite how far away I was during Christmas I always made a point to call. My friends laugh when they scroll my phone book and see I've my Grams and Grandpa's cellphone number.

Still I'll call and wish Grandpa a Merry Christmas. He must be lonely *sigh* but he is a strong man and am sure just like every year for the past 70 plus years he will wake up and go to mass. Oh, grandpa, I love you and pray for God to be your strength and solace

So those are my Christmas memories. What are yours?

Oh yeah this year am working on Christmas day so I'll probably come home, shower, crawl under the covers and sleep away the day. The last time I worked on Christmas day was in 2005 so it should be interesting.

Merry Christmas!!!

Hope. Oh Hope

2008-12-01T20:27:00.000-08:00

Hope
what are you?
are you what allows me to cry
or the one who regroups me
Hope
Oh hope was it you
who kept me going the other day
for a better tomorrow
Hope
which one are you
the strength in me
or the holding on
without giving up
Oh hope
was that you the other night
when I could not fall asleep
you held me in your arms through the night
Hope
was it you today
when I was unsure of myself
you stayed with me until the beauty of certainty dawned on me
Oh hope
are you my reminder
when I forget
Hope
which one are you
the courage to face tomorrow
or the triumph that I made it through another day
Oh hope
are you what holds me
when all else falls through
or the one who lets it all fall apart
for it to fall back together
Hope
which one are you
the one I cry to
or the one who wipes my tears
Oh hope
are you the one who reminds me it will turn out right
or the one who makes everything alright
Hope
which one are you
the guardian angel
or the true friend
Oh hope
are you the one who lifts my heart up when am sad
or the one who tells the jokes so I can stay happy
Hope
what are you
the singing
or dancing
or both
Oh hope
are you the one who lit up the skies last night
or the one who shed light upon my path
Hope
which one are you
the prayer answered
or the one kneeling by the bedside in prayer
Oh hope
was it you
you who provided when I was convinced I'd go without
or the one who made a way
Hope
which one are you
the one set of footprints in the sand
that carries me when I cannot walk
or the extra set of footprints
that walks with me all the while
Hope
which one are you
my cry for help
or the help that comes to me
Oh hope
are you what finds me when am lost
or the one who has me wait when I return before I find myself
Hope
which one are you
what are you
are you the one
oh hope
hope

Don't rear your head back

2008-11-13T22:29:00.000-08:00

let it go

in this chill and cold

don't rear your head back

and remind me of the warmth we once were

let it go

in this aloneness

don't rear your head back

and remind me of the great company you used to be

in this sadness that is

don't rear your head back

and make me revisit the happiness that once abound

in this joy unspeakable that now is

don't rear your head back

and remind me you used to be a part of it

in this togetherness that am now becoming

don't rear your head back

and threaten it

let it go

let it rest

return not

remind me not

fare thee well

and just let it go

because I will not relive the past

so let it go

GOD

2008-11-04T08:55:00.000-08:00

Thank you for caring for me
when I've not cared
Thank you for loving me
when I've not loved me
Thank you for providing
when I've lacked
Thank you for listening
when I've needed an ear
Thank you for carrying me
when I've succumbed under my own weight
Thank you for a shoulder
when I've needed to put my head down
Thank you for wiping my tears
when I've cried
Thank you for lifting the burden
when I've been overwhelmed
Thank you for staying
when I've moved far far away from you
Thank you for forgiving me
when I've fallen
Thank you for your angels
when I've felt alone
Thank you for your protection
when fear has ceased my soul
Thank you for your guidance
for every path I've trod
Thank you for remaining unchanging
when I've been shifty
Thank you for being my friend
when others have disappointed me
Love me, carry me, grace me, mercy me
now and always, God

It used to be you who carried me

2008-10-20T15:54:00.000-07:00

I used to cry to you
I used to talk to you
when I trod down a path wrong for me
when I was lost
you found me
when I was down trodden you
lifted me up
when I had not strength you
shared yours
we walked the same path
when I fell behind
you waited for me
like a soldier
if i fell you
fell with me
until I got back on my feet
when I lost my way
you helped me find it
you carried me
and you me
now am alone
it scares me
it defeats my heart
confuses my soul
I ache
but not a soul to listen
or carry me
or share faith and hope
with me
not a soul to pray with me
but me
so i soldier on and carry me
strengthen me
carry me
I carry me
I carry me

All About Me Right NOW!!!

2008-10-15T11:42:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I fall it's hard to walk on shifting sand

I'm back to running. I love it. It's so therapeutic to me

I was 19. Seriously do you think you'd have done it any better?

Forgive sounds good. Forgert I don't think I can

Pain's built to last. It's not off the shelf yet

One time my kid sis was so mad at me. Now, I don't even recall what I'd done. But, she looked me in the eye and said "I wish you could just disappear!!"

Now my small sis is the most wonderful person I must have done something horrible

I love her to death

My big sis too. She's everything I strive to be. She's just so noble and modest. And she can throw an outfit together out of nothing.

And me? well me, am just the opposite but am learning. Slowly but surely.

My moms, she's the woman whose heart am after. Oh mommy what would we all be and do without you

My twin brother? the man to all of us. Love him to death to

These are the people that matter most to me. At the end of the day if they are all I've left I'll survive

My stomach hurts. Actually, scratch that it hurts right now. I've good days and then of course bad days. The pain has now been intermittent for two years. Still it's pain and it hurts :(

I'm sick of the hospital and medications. The medications are so hard on my stomach they make it worse

I'm sick of school. lol. Ain't we all? But not the dreamer definitely :)

Thanks for being a great friend to me, Shi. Oh how you make life bearable

I went on a date the other day. My dear moms (bless her soul) thought it was too soon (after the break up, y'knw?)

I felt so silly. I did not know what to wear and what not to. Then when I thought I knew I could not decide what was simple enough for a movie date. I'm just silly like that me :)

He was fun though. And he is tall (I can rock the heels and not worry am hovering over some midget lol jk). He was a real gentleman too :) So me and Shi decided to score him 2pts or was it 3, Shi?

I've not dated for the longest so I'm so lost in all this. And I just might have another date with him coming up this weekend

I'm looking forward to Friday. It's not only GNO and but also we're VIP at our all time fave . I just have to remember not to take the Famotidine that day because can't mix that with alcohol. I need a drink. It's been a painful week this

I joined bible study. So I've something to do every Thursday night. Wednesday is soccer night and now Thursday is bible study night lol wait until my work schedule flips one on me

I love my moms soooooooooooooooooo much. I could not find words for how much

Tomorrow is Thursday. One more day until Friday and then the weekend is with us. Yay!!!

Honest Blogger Award

2008-09-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

So, I got awarded "Honest Blogger Award" by the one and only, Kafo at D Unspoken.

And truth be told I was unaware of the existence of such an award and this caught me off guard.

I'm honest in my posts alright, which as you well know are mostly poems and a written post or bullets once every so often. But, I'm honest in a different way, whatever that means. I just don't know how to explain it. I say this because though am honest still I value my privacy and so I try to observe some level of discreetness .

I love reading the comments section. A few of you read through my trying to be discreet and nail it on the head. While some of you are way off. BUT, I greatly appreciate both because it helps me see how different all our perceptions are and teaches me to see things in a different light. Your comments have kept me going many a time and am very appreciative. Some of you have sent me e-mails and those too are greatly appreciated.

Rules are made to be broken, right? Or let me be the part relativist I am and say there's gotta be an exception to every rule and with that am awarding the "Honest Blogger Award" to;

Scotchie, because she (literally) lives in my mind
Supaflyshi , because she gets me
& Pandave, because her posts are just hilariously honest

Again,thank you, Kafo, thanks for the award. I'm honored and flattered.

And the rules are...

1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2. Choose a minimum of 5 blogs that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with an award
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

Notes about Me

2008-09-27T09:44:00.000-07:00

If doing the right thing is right then why does it have to be so hard
My mind keeps playing tricks on me. The memories are an anguish. And wait who said good memories could save you (The Punisher, the movie) because the goods ones are killing me
I love walking at night when the streets are quiet and dark. Only slightly lit by every other streetlight on every other block
I love it when my earphones are deeply sunk in my ears and the blaring volume comforts me
I'm tired of fighting tears uncried
The thoughts, they sneak up on me. Unexpected.
I love my independence
Please don't only call or write when you want/need something. Because really I'll get back to you because it's just who I am. But I do feel used and isn't that not right?
I miss my family so much it hurts...hurts so deep
I miss you, BFF, miss what we once were...the relationship we had that not a soul fathomed...I miss you
I'm sad it came to this..sad that I can't just pick up my phone and chat, rant and vent because I just can't. It's hard
You..honestly it's taken you my whole life to get your life together. What's up with that? you tear at this heart that's already torn and how can it break everyday if it's already broken?
I give the clouds above more than just a passing glance
When I come close to selling out I want to reconsider
Yes, Scotchie these are borrowed lyrcis from I hope you dance my Lee Ann Womack
My head hurts. It's been hurting all week but I did fight the Flu
I went to NYC last weekend and had a great time!!!
The child in me loved walking the streets at night and oh the pure thrill of hailing down the cabs (just like in the movies)
I live for the day I'll travel the world
I think of you, you know?
I wish you would leave...all my life and I still don't understand why you've stayed over half a century
I've cried too much am out of tears
It's not the darkness that comes it's the light that leaves
Really?
I miss my moms..and siblings..talking isn't enough anymore
How is it I wake up and think this is all a joke that I'll soon snap out of? or a bad dream
Then I open my sleepy eyes and every last corner is filled with a touch of me or a belonging of mine
Oh, I don't like it anymore here
Mommy ***sobs***
I love hot showers after a long day at work
All my 12 patients last night were awesome
I gotta have green tea
Honey (for my green tea) counts as a 'basic' for me
I could live on a cold bowl of ceral
I put my ceral in the fridge to make it crunchier and more crisp
I sleep with my stereo on

Forgive and Forget

2008-09-14T14:00:00.000-07:00

Today I choose to forgive you
and forget
forget?
how well will I do
how quick will I forget
I choose to forgive and forget all the wrong I did you
all the wrong you did me
I choose to forgive and forget the pain and hurt I caused you
and you caused me
I forgive and forget the words said that cannot be taken back
to and by both of us
I choose to go first as a sign of humility
far be it from me that I should think am better than you
or than anyone for that matter
I seek forgiveness from God too
I pray He make both you and me
better people
we're both still so young
still with all our lives in front of us
I pray you only the very best in all your endeavors
and should fate see to it that our paths cross again in this life
I hope we'll both go about it with some decency and dignity
Yes, I truly, sincerely forgive you with all of me
Fare thee well

Meme

2008-09-07T16:07:00.000-07:00

I got tagged by Mona, so here goes...

1. What’s worse - Physical or Mental cheating?
both

2. Is it easier to forgive or forget?
forgive

3. Can men and women be ” Just Friends?”
definitely. am all philosophical and a big believer of platonic relationships coined from the Greek philospher'a name, Plato

4. Dating co-workers?
no

5. All expenses paid vacation to anywhere?
Greece

6. On the way to the electric chair - What’s your last meal?
A platter of e'rything seafood

7. Water parks are…?
great when you bring an extra change of clothes..gotta love them, though

8. When you are “In Love” do you notice other people?
In love? what's that?lol. Yes, I notice other people all the time

9. Is flirting cheating?
yes

10. Would you rather have 1 great friend or 5 pals?
1 great friend

11. If someone called you a bitch would you be offended?
Why, no!! Babe in total control here (there) tsk tsk

12. Are you ok with your significant other being friends with an ex?
By all means

13. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
once bitten, twice shy

14. Favorite sport?
Frisbee at the beach

15. Is toilet paper hung over or under?
over

16. Do you squeeze toothpaste from the middle or end of the tube?
End

17. How do you feel about tanning booths?
The same way, Pink does in her song

18. Friends with benefits?
No, thanks

19. Do you believe in angels?
Yes

20. Would you rather take pictures or be in pictures?
Take them!

21. Have you ever flirted with someone you had no interest in?
Yes

22. Ever kissed a random person and then walked away?
Gracious, no

23. Would you buy bootleg merchandise?
Yes

24. What color looks best on you?
Black

25. If you could play any sport professionally what would it be?
Tennis

26. Ever break up with someone and regret it?
No

27. Are you a jealous person?
No, a free spirit

28. Would you ever have plastic surgery?
No

29. When do you want to get married?
That's not in the plans anywhere yet

30. Who has the sexiest accents?
My goodness...I'd have to kill you, if I told you

31. Next concert you’re attending?
Uh-mmh...none

32. Favorite song?
I don't have one in particular but I like a couple

33. Favorite movie?-
I'm at pains to pick just one

34. What’s your occupation?
Nurse

35. What’s your sign?
Scorpio

36. Are you a beach, country or city person
A cross between beach and city

37. Best vacation spot you’ve been to?
Tsavo West

38. Have you ever had a “secret affair?”
No

39. If you could own a non-traditional pet which would it be?
What?!

40. Favorite show as a child?
Tom & Jerry

41. Where do you spend most of your money?
Shoes-Steve Madden

42. Are you currently working at a job that you hate?
No, not really

43. Have you ever been so heart broken that you called in sick to work?
Are you kidding me? of course, not!

44. Favorite summer drink?
Cocktails + water

45. Can you change a car tire?
Yes. I'm that self-sufficient.

46. Favorite cologne / perfume?
Miracle-Lancome

48. Would you consider yourself adventurous?
Yes

49. What is your My Space profile song?
Gee, thanks for reminding me I actually have a myspace a/c. They must have closed it down by now...no really, they have to

50. Favorite concert attended?
Have I been to a concert?

51. Would you date an already attached man / woman?
No

52. Would you sing Karaoke in front of co-workers?
Oh my goodness, yes! Nursing school was the best. After Wednesday night clinicals @ 11pm we'd all walk in to this Karaoke bar by the hospital fully clad in our smurf blue uni scrubs, not giving a rat's ass and just sing our tired tushes away...and the next day at 630am we'd show up at clinicals all red-eyed and tired as hell. Gotta love nursing school, dude!!!

53. Can you shoot pool?
Wait, can I shoot pool? I've to be the biggest amateur there is the art of shooting pool

54. Do you like your siblings’ significant others?
I don't have any

55. Can you drive a stick?
I can overturn a stick wheels up and all, that much I know. Ok, so may be I can but my heart stops beating, literally. Oh ask my twin, while my heart comes to a halt, he just keels over and dies of laughter

56. Did you wear white at your wedding?
What wedding? oh that wedding...no...just a pretty little black dress

57. Have you ever sat and hoped for a phone call?
Yes...from my moms and after a job interview and oh in the recent years after my G.I appointments

58. Ever skip school and spend the day at the beach?
Wow! thanks for the idea...only thing is it's a bit too late for me to get a bunch of my nursing classmates to ditch class and hit the beach

59. Favorite TV show/s?
Army Wives and How I met your mother (HIMYM). You're missing out if you don't watch this two shows

60. What do you think about gay marriage?
I'm not for it. That is just me.

61. what are you waiting for at the movies?
The Women. I even have a reminder set on my cellie's calendar. Dude I love, love the movies

62. What is your favorite holiday?
Christmas with la familia

63. Describe your fighting style: drunken master or angry monkey?
angry monkey (whatever that means). I don't do drunken

64. Piercing?
4

65. Tattoos?
1. left shoulder blade

66. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
steve-madden, Endless.com. Shoes, shoes and then more shoes and some

67. Thongs?
yes

68. Write 2 truths and 1 lie
-I strive to live for God everyday
-I love my moms and siblings to bits and pieces
-I love school

I'm tagging Scotchie, Pandave, Supaflyshi, Gish, Nahjaj, 3TOC and anyone else not tagged please be my guest and do the tag

It is well with my soil

2008-09-03T17:24:00.000-07:00

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,